Confessions of a very real yogini (footnotes version)

It’s been a while since I did a confessions post. Rachel over at Suburban Yogini did one recently, and it reminded me of some things I need to get off my chest and confess ; )

• I am a very bendy person, but I can’t credit it all to my hard work in yoga. Yoga has greatly increased my flexibility, but I have been bendy my whole life.
• Ironically, I have also been un-athletic my whole life.*
• I don’t get on the mat every day. I don’t even want to.**
• I strongly believe in yoga and all it has to offer, but I also have feet firmly rooted in the non-yoga world. Sometime I crack jokes about unleashing my kundalini on Andy. You’ve got to have a sense of humor about life.
• I know yoga is not about the asana and the ego, but there is a certain joyful pride I feel when I reach a new milestone in my practice. It’s an incredible feeling and I don’t ever want it to go away.
• I am not a vegetarian. I very rarely eat red meat but I eat a lot of chicken.***
• I love refined sugar. Cookies, ice cream, all of it. Yum.
• I spent all of middle school, high school, and college with extremely low self-esteem and body image. I still have bad days now and then but I’m finally pulling out of that funk. Thank you yoga!
• I do not have that calm, inner peace glow that I see in a lot of yogis. I am sarcastic and often biting in my humor. I can’t decide if I want to work on this or not.
• I am someone who is, by nature, very tightly wound. I’m trying desparately to find a balance between lightening up a bit and accepting myself.
• I have a lot to learn.

*In school we always had to do the presidential fitness test which included lots of torture like running a mile, sit ups, pull ups on a bar, etc. The only one I ever met the “president’s” standards on was the “sit and reach”.

**Sometimes it feels like yoga to just lie on the floor and snuggle my dogs, or spend quality time with my hubby.

***I entertain hopes of someday being a vegetarian, but I think it would put a big strain on my marriage — especially since I want no part of cooking, ever. So for now we try to buy meat that is antibiotic and hormone-free as much as possible. I have yet to find a non-hypocritical way to reconcile the animal lover inside my heart (who can hardly watch her cousins catch a fish) with the chicken lover inside my stomach (who is often drooling).

Some of my other confessions posts:
Confessions of a Yogini with Multiple Personalities
Confessions of an Absent Yogini
Confessions of a Grouchy Yogini

Need to make a confession? The comments section is ready for you. Come on, you’ll feel better afterwards. : )

Namaste,
Jamie

You mean it’s more complicated than “the foot bone’s connected to the leg bone”?

Last weekend was my Anatomy and Alignment training, and going into it I was radiating positive energy and happiness.

Saturday night was a different story. Turns out, learning anatomy is difficult.

Friday night was full of mind-numbing traffic, driving around in an unfamiliar city, and extreme storms that (combined with an overzealous cricket and the generally uneasy hotel room feeling) made sleep next to impossible. I was feeling “off” in about every way on Saturday. 

More than anything though, it was frustrating for me to see people conversing fluently in this foreign language of anatomy while I tried to keep my head above water. Of course, most of these people have ACE certifications and/or work in the medical field and/or have degrees in Kinesiology, Physical Education, or Physical Training. I was completely out of my element.

Both days our 2 hour morning class was taught in purely anatomical terms. So, instead of “turn the palm towards the ceiling”, or teacher cued us to “supinate the forearm”. And instead of pointing the foot, she instructed us to plantarflex the foot. This was an enormously effective teaching tool, if kind of jarring for the student.

Luckily, on Sunday, things started sinking in. I still don’t know all the muscles in the body, and I never will unless I make an extreme career change. But I learned enough. I also learned these three extremely important things:

1)       I hyperextend everything. Elbows? Check. Knees? Check. Shoulders? You bet. More on this to come.

2)       Everything is connected. Your elbows are doing something weird? That affects the muscles between your ribs (serratus anterior, dontcha know). Your knee hurts? Perhaps your knee is fine – it’s your hip that’s arthritic. I already knew this in a floaty, spiritual, yoga way, but it was fun to learn the science behind it. No, seriously, it’s all connected.

3)       I can walk down the wall from Tadasana (mountain pose) to Urdvha Dhanurasana (wheel/backbend). The wheel is probably my #1 favorite pose, but I had never done it from standing before. It’s always nice to achieve a huge personal practice milestone on the path to becoming a teacher.

On Saturday night I declared that I needed a yoga BREAK! No more about the acetabulum for pete’s sake! But it was really just a lovers spat, and yoga and I made up quickly.

All in all, I left the weekend with more knowledge, more experience, and more love for yoga than before. YTT is just like everything else. You ride the ups and downs. Education is never wasted.

Namaste,
Jamie

Ups and Downs of YogaFit training

I am a yoga teacher in training.

If you are a yoga teacher reading this, I’m sure you have far more training than I. You probably went somewhere far away for weeks at a time, or else spent every weekend for a few months devoting yourself to your YTT. You probably spent a few thousand dollars and experienced something truly life-changing. You know the intimate details about the doshas, the chakras, the yamas and niyamas, the Bhagavad Gita, all of the many, many poses (in English and Sanskrit), all of the different types of salutations and pranayama, etc, etc, etc and the list goes on.

I do not know all of the details about all of those things. I know the basics. I have chosen a different type of program: YogaFit.

The YogaFit RYT 200 track includes the following classes: Levels 1-5, Level 1 retrain, Level 2 or 3 retrain, Anatomy and Alignment, YogaFit Seniors, and either YogaFit pre/post-natal or YogaFit Kids. So far, I have attended Levels 1 and 2, and I will be attending Anatomy and Alignment in July.

Why did I choose this non-traditional, more mainstream version of Yoga Teacher Training? There are a few answers:

1. Cost. Other YTT programs I have found cost upwards of $2,000-$3,000. Each YogaFit training costs around $400 plus travel and required materials (with the exception of Level 4, which costs twice as much). As half of a newly-married couple, $400 is hard enough to come up with at one time – something in the four digit spectrum falls into the category of “cost-prohibitive”. Spreading the cost out makes training accessible to me.
2. Time. The YogaFit program allows you to complete your 200 RYT in one year, five years, or however long it takes you. All of the trainings are two-day weekend trainings, and I can usually find one within three hours of my home (again, Level 4 is the exception – it is only held at certain conferences, is four days long, and will require a lot more travel). This means less time off work and no deadline to get everything done.
3. Approach. The YogaFit program fits in with my idea of accessibility. They do not require you to show documentation of all the impressive people you have practiced with. A lot of people take Level 1 just to further their own practice, with no intent of continuing. It doesn’t matter if you can’t do a handstand. There is no feeling of being not good enough to teach yoga.
4. Commitment. The three things I have already described combine to make Level 1 a pretty un-intimidating event. It’s a few hundred dollars and one weekend. If you go and you hate it, or if you go and find out teaching isn’t for you, you aren’t out a month of your life and several thousand dollars. You also don’t have to wait until you feel like a yoga superstar to begin your training. You can grow in your training as you grow in your practice.

Once I went to Level 1 last October, I decided I was interested in continuing on with the program. I went to Level 2 in January, and I have a rough goal of attending a training every six months or so.

However, YogaFit is like anything else in life – it has its advantages and disadvantages. You go to the trainings, you take away the parts you like, and you leave behind the parts that don’t sit well with you.

The only problem I have with the choice of training I made is this: sometimes I feel like a fake. I don’t know as much about the intricacies of yoga, because I am still learning. I didn’t go to India and study in an ashram. I haven’t read the Gita. I haven’t been practicing that long, in the scheme of things. There are questions I don’t know how to answer. Sometimes I wonder if I should be waiting until I take all of my training to start teaching.

But then I remember that the teacher who helped me fall in love with yoga had no formal training. And I think it would be silly to hold myself back from doing something I’m passionate about for some silly reason that stems, deep down, from my own insecurity.

So I don’t have thousands of dollars right now to travel to far and distant lands to learn this stuff – that doesn’t make me less of a yogini.

So I can’t quite master bakasana – that doesn’t mean I can’t teach it.

So it takes me five years to earn my RYT – five years is the blink of an eye anymore.

So I don’t know the answer to a detailed anatomy question a student asks me – I can look up the answer when I get home. That’s what e-mail is for.

Because I am a lifelong student of yoga, and I am a yoga teacher in training.

I am still learning.

Namaste,
Jamie

To practice or not to practice…

We all have days that we just don’t feel up to an asana practice. We’re tired, overwhelmed, have a headache, too busy, etc. Sometimes we just need to honor our bodies, respect our busy schedules and spend that time doing something else. On these days, we find our yoga practice in deep breaths, mindfulness, and compassionate thoughts for ourselves and those around us.

I have a hard time determining these days from the regular old “blah” days. I came very close to skipping my yoga class Monday night. I felt bad and wanted to veg out on the couch instead. In fact, the only reason I ended up going is because I don’t have much of a home practice these days, and I didn’t want to wait an entire extra week to get some quality practice in.

On Mondays I only have about 45 minutes between getting home from work and leaving for yoga, and in that time I have to change clothes, make and eat some semblance of a meal, and take out my dogs.

So Monday night, once I resolved that I would not skip class, I carved out 20 minutes of my getting ready time to recline on the couch and close my eyes. It wasn’t extremely relaxing what with the dogs chasing each other around the house and the neighbor mowing his yard. But it was as close to meditation as I get. Amazingly, once the 20 minutes was up, I felt much better. Refreshed, and ready for class.

I was happy that I went to class on Monday, but the night could have just as easily gone the other way. In fact, if it weren’t for my stubborn pride, I might have skipped yoga in favor of the couch and a book. Would I have felt guilty? Perhaps, but maybe not.

I try to avoid practicing out of a sense of “duty”, and I don’t ever want to guilt myself onto the mat. I feel that’s a great way to start resenting yoga. But it’s hard to distinguish between being too tired for a practice and being so tired I need to practice.

Any tips?

Namaste,
Jamie

Confessions of a yogini with multiple personalities

Lately, I have been feeling a bit like an imposter. I don’t feel like just Jamie all day long, I feel like a different person during different parts of my day.

In the morning, I grudgingly wake up to my alarm and put on my cardigans and my dress pants, and I go to work. I work in a cubicle and sit at a computer most of the day. Since a lot of people in Bloomington-Normal do the same thing, the haughty and derisive around here have taken to calling us “corporate drones”.

I do not have an overwhelmingly important job, nothing vital hinges on my decisions, I do not own a Blackberry. At least on the good days, I do not feel like a drone. I can’t decide if these two sentences are contradictions are not.

My husband teaches three out of the four work nights of the week, so I have large chunks of evenings to myself. Now that the weather’s nice, sometimes I rollerblade down to the park and get some exercise. I walk my dogs. I spend a little bit of time each night fulfilling obligations: dishes, laundry, other chores. Sometimes I meet a friend for dinner or drinks. I spend lots of time reading blogs and keeping up with various internet things. Other than that, the majority of my free time is spent reclining on the couch, reading a novel. It is my favorite way to relax.

Once a week I take a yoga class and twice a week I teach. During these times, I feel most like myself — I feel like the happiest, most positive and clear-headed version of myself I can be.

When I am at work, you have to look hard for signs that I practice and teach yoga. I leave a few hints, but not many. The most obvious is that I can’t sit normally in a desk chair. I sit sideways, with my legs under the arm rest, or have one knee bent with my chin resting on it. I sit cross-legged a lot. I often do odd-looking stretches when my shoulders and back start to feel tense. I do not know how other people go all day without doing them! I almost always take off my shoes and leave them on the floor where my feet should be. I also wear very little makeup and jewelry, which is not yoga, per se, but relates more to Yoga Jamie than Corporate Jamie.

The dissonance of this situation hit me when last week when I was at class, as a student. I shared with some other students where I work and what I do, and it just felt strange coming out of my mouth while being Yoga Jamie. It didn’t seem like me, although I know I do it for nearly 40 hours every week. In the same way, when I am at work, I don’t feel like a yogini. No one I work with practices yoga regularly, and most of my co-workers know just the bare minimum about yoga, my teaching style, what I’m working on, what it means to me. Some of them read this blog, but that is likely the closest they will get to know Yoga Jamie.

I sometimes feel guilty pursuing other leisure activities besides yoga. I love yoga and as I said, I love Yoga Jamie. But I rarely practice at home, because – at least at this particular moment in time – I would rather do other things while I’m there. I want my blocks of time to read a novel, play with my dogs, visit friends. I don’t practice every day. I frequently chose to be Reading Jamie over Yoga Jamie.

There are lots of moments in my life where I think “I don’t live like a yoga teacher”. I don’t drink caffeine, but I almost always have a cocktail on the weekends. I love to sleep in whenever possible, sometimes even till (*gasp*) 9:30, a fact I hide with shame around my friends with children. I love to eat junk food and French fries and chicken. I don’t fit a yoga sterotype, or any stereotype.

I am sharing this because I want to know if it’s typical. Do other yoginis feel this way? What about those whose full-time job is to teach yoga? Is there still a gap to bridge between yoga and personal life? Do people with different hobbies feel this way, too – does someone passionate about painting, or cars, or writing, feel like a different person throughout other moments of the week?

More importantly, is yoga a unique passion because it informs the other moments of our lives? Because I can say “no” to my mat, am I exercising the balance I learned while I was on it? Since I can focus on being present as Reading Jamie and maintaining my breath as Corporate Jamie, am I always Yoga Jamie, whether I realize it or not?

Namaste,
Jamie

photo credit: http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/womens-health/fitness/yoga/article/-/6218203/em-yoga-em-for-workaholics/

Rebel Jamie

Today is Monday morning, and I am excited to say that I am not at work! That’s right, the hubs is on Spring Break this week and I took a week off with him.

We have all sorts of adventures planned, balanced with a nice amount of relaxing. It’s been a long, long time since I took an entire week off of work so I plan on relishing every moment, and celebrate by attending two extra yoga classes this week!

Even though I did this all the legit, grown-up way by using paid time off and letting my boss know months ago, it still makes me feel a little like a rebel, sitting in my PJs on the couch.

I hope you all have a glorious week!

Namaste,
Jamie

Clumsiness and Inner Peace

poppies in our backyard last summer, because we've all probably forgotten about the color green by now

I have always been clumsy. I lack a certain amount of grace and coordination. I whack my shoulders and hips on door frames and my shins on coffee tables, even if they’re in the same place they’ve always been. I’m embarrassed to tell you how old I was when I learned to ride a bike. I don’t have much hand-eye coordination, so I will never be a tennis, bowling, ping-pong, or four square champion.

These things I know and accept about myself.

This is all compounded by the fact that I get distracted easily and often. It’s not that I don’t know the door frame is there, it’s just that my focus is somewhere else – like where I’m walking to or where I’m coming from. In other words: I am not in the present moment.

It’s the same reason it takes me hours to clean my house: I need to vacuum the living room, so I have to pick up all of the dog toys from the floor. Then I find something that needs to be moved to the kitchen. While I’m in the kitchen I notice the recycling needs taken out, so I do that. On my way back through the kitchen, I realize that the counters need to be wiped down, and while I’m already doing that I should probably take care of the dishes too. Before I know it, I’ve spent three hours cleaning and my living room still needs to be vacuumed.

Another similar situation is the pens at my desk at work. I am right-handed, and my jar of pens in on the right side of my desk. But the place where I usually write is on the left side of the desk. I can’t tell you how many times a day I notice that there are five or six pens on the left side of my desk. I pick them up, write, and by the time my hand has set them down on the desk, my mind has already moved on to the next task. I probably spend an hour a month moving handfuls of pens back to the pen jar!

All of this is very different when I’m On the Mat. When I’m focusing on staying in the moment and being aware of my body, I do a pretty good job of it. Nowhere perfect, mind you – I won’t be achieving enlightenment anytime soon – but when I’m trying, it works pretty well. It’s just that as soon as I step off the mat, my mind goes a million miles an hour and it’s very hard for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. This is especially true when I’m hungry, running late, tired, overwhelmed, or when someone is waiting on me.

Sometimes I tell myself I’m hurrying because I’m stressed out, but really I think I’m stressed because I’m hurrying. It’s hard sometimes to stop myself when I’m about to spiral out of control into a big ball of stress and bruised elbows, but I’m learning. I have tried to take some different approaches to carrying yoga with me throughout my day, but conscious breath is the only thing that helps. Focusing in on my breathing allows me to center myself and immediately slows my hurried brain. The trick is remembering to do it in the moment.

What about you, dear readers? How do you keep your inner peace going while you’re off the mat?

Namaste,
Jamie

The night I didn’t practice

Last night I did not practice yoga. It was the first January day that I did not do at least 30 minutes of yoga, which means I am going to come up a little short of my 30 minutes for 31 days goal.

I’m not going to go into all of it here, but basically yesterday was a rough day. I didn’t get home until much later than usual, and I got some bad financial news as soon as I did get home. What it came down to is this: I had almost exactly 30 minutes to myself, and I chose to call my mom instead of practicing.

Now throughout the month of January I have had a couple of other days that I considered slightly-to-moderately stressful. I practiced yoga on those days, and it really helped relieve the stress. But those were run-of-the-mill stressors, and last night was something more. I could tell that what I really needed was a good cry and someone to listen. If I had gotten on my mat I would have had a hard time letting go of the things that were stressing me out, and what I needed to do was face them, discuss them, and come to peace with them. I knew I couldn’t shake those toxic feelings to focus on practice, and I didn’t want them on my mat with me.

Maybe to some people it sounds like I’m making excuses. But to me, last night was a real-world equivalent to taking child’s pose during a strenuous class. When that’s what my body needs, I acknowledge it. My practice (and my life) is about finding a balance between the healthy place of pushing myself to achieve goals and the not-so-healthy place of demanding too much of myself before I’m ready.

And sometimes, you just need a good cry with your mom. : )

Confessions of a Clumsy Yogini

You guys, I fell out of crow pose tonight. It sucked. I’m going to have to take three steps back from that pose and start at the beginning. Any tips?

Edit: the blogroll is up. : )

Confessions of an absent yogini

I have another confession to make. I am in (*gasp*) a yoga slump.

I have hit a wall. I am frustrated. I haven’t done yoga in a long time. So long that I feel sore all over and generally antsy. Small irritations are making me murderous and I feel melancholy and insecure. I know a class would ease this anxiety, but that’s just it: what class?

My only regular class I’ve been attending is on Mondays, and for lots of holiday-related reasons, that one is not working for me right now. I just can’t seem to get there. My community service teaching ended, so I don’t have that once-or-twice weekly yoga hit I can count on anymore. I don’t want to teach myself in my house because I’m at a place right now where I need a teacher. A really good one.

There’s a fancy yoga-only studio in town, and I should go there. Actually, “in town” is gracious – it’s probably more than 30 minutes away from my front door. Plus, it’s $12 a class and seriously? That’s kind of expensive. This is not Chicago. Also, I went once and didn’t really enjoy it. That was a year ago though, so I should give it another chance, but something is stopping me. And they don’t have any more classes till the first of the year so that is not going to help me for the next two weeks.

I just feel a general nagging sensation when I think about yoga. I need to do it, but I don’t feel motivated to find the time. I know that this will pass, but I need to deal with it until it does.

It also makes me feel like a fake. I am attending Level 2 training at the end of January. I love yoga. I want to teach yoga. I write about yoga. I read what other people write about yoga. So why on earth am I not doing it? I must be an imposter.

I will let you know when I reach an upswing. Until then, I’ll try to make the most of my shoulder rolls.

Namaste,
Jamie