Confessions of a Grouchy Yogini

Let’s face it – I totally overdid it on Thanksgiving weekend. My indulgent eating extended way past Thursday and my pocketbook took a beating during Christmas shopping. I ate too many calories and exercised too little. Our “foster dog”, Niko, arrived (my sister-in-law’s dog who we’ll be looking after for a few months). This provided lots of entertainment, but also threw the household harmony for a loop.

Not to mention, I had four days off work IN A ROW, which I’m definitely not complaining about, but which hasn’t happened since Memorial Day weekend. So all in all, I was way off balance Monday morning.

I’m reciting this list of oddness to account for why I had such a bad yoga class last night. I’m choosing to blame the long weekend and the resulting off-kilter feeling because I know it wasn’t my teacher’s fault, and it couldn’t possibly be my fault : )

I’m admitting this to the blog world lest you all think I am some totally zen, enlightened person who walks around in a glow of self-realization all the time. Truth is, I can be quite grouchy.

Last night’s yoga class didn’t start off bad. My warm up was okay, and I totally rocked the sun salutations. In fact, I rocked them so hard that I was spent afterwards and had no energy left for the rest of class. My blood pressure was feeling pretty iffy, and when I came up into mountain from the last sun salutation, I felt like I could easily pass out.  Therefore, I needed to keep my hands in prayer position during the warrior series, resulting in some pretty underwhelming-looking warrior poses. I went to child’s pose more often than usual, trying to center myself, to no avail.

After that, it just devolved into an inner monologue that alternated between feeling annoyed and berating myself for being annoyed. Here’s a little glimpse:

Wow, why do my thighs look so enormous? And why is it that I always look 6 months pregnant when I’m in warrior II? Okay, stop thinking these negative thoughts. Just be here in the moment and quit worrying what you look like in the mirror. Why do I have to be surrounded by these damn mirrors anyway? And why is it that all the women in this class look like they’re about 30 pounds lighter than I am? More importantly, when did I revert back to judging my worth by my weight? Haven’t I come a little further than that in my personal development? *Sigh* (switching sides, adjusting to a new view of the room) Okay, I may look like I weigh 300 pounds, but at least I wore appropriate clothes to class tonight. What was this lady thinking? She might as well be on the beach with as much midsection as she’s showing. Okay triangle pose, I love triangle pose, ahhhh this feels nice. What, are you kidding me, another down dog? I’m dying here. Child’s pose it is, again. I would have been better off staying home and doing child’s pose for an hour and I could have skipped the 50 minutes in the car.

I’m not proud of these ridiculous pity-party tangents. But I think my practice grows a little each time I have a bummer of  a class. And I know, ultimately, that some poses will never betray me. I think I’ll always feel strong and capable in tree and triangle. So there’s that.

In yoga, just like in life, I need to keep in mind that “this too shall pass”. This momentary annoyance, this brief feeling that I utterly lack confidence, this hour-long sensation of weakness and impatience with myself will pass.

And I will be back to normal before long…and hopefully not too grouchy.

Namaste,
Jamie

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5 responses to “Confessions of a Grouchy Yogini

  1. Oh I can get so grouchy too. And I always take it out on myself with negative self thought. It happens. Being aware of it is the most important step :)

  2. Isn’t that the point? All is not right with the world, but through force of will, thought, meditation, breathing and mastery of one’s body, you can create a small microcosm of calm, even if its borders are confined to your yoga mat?

    You are a lucky person, there are grouches out there without yoga… imagine…

    Keep up the good work, I am enjoying your blog.

  3. I thought this post was hilarious and so true! I had an experience similar to this a couple of weeks ago and I too had to blame external factors (different music, new room, etc.) But then I was pleasantly surprised when the next week I had my best experience yet! So it just goes to show that you are totally right- “this too shall pass.” Life is a roller coaster, with quite a few ups & downs and twists & turns along the way!

  4. Speaking as somebody who’s cursed out driver’s on the way to yoga class…I relate all too well. And the important thing about having a crappy time in yoga class, I think, is to nonetheless show up the next time. People who expect to get blissed out with every upward facing dog don’t last long…

  5. thanks for all the support, everyone. it’s nice to know i’m not the only grump out there : )

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